Monday, February 7, 2011

Canine Skin Conditions

My social life is better than it was yesterday. I have been "friends" with another local housewife for several years now. I think today we became friends (no quotes, ya'll). Why did it take so long? Because I've been known to be terrifying. Not in any violent way, but maybe I was an asshole for a very long time. I mean, not a real asshole. I didn't ACTUALLY hate people, I just couldn't be bothered to speak to them like we existed on the same level. I was also medicated (for epilepsy), but I don't want to blame everything on that. Anyway, now I'm not an asshole (all the time).

That's all to say, I like the housewife time I spent with this wonderful lady. We ate quiche and macaroni and cheese, went to some stores, and bitched, bitched, bitched. It was glorious. The housewife's dog has dandruff. I had no idea that was possible. Duh, but did you? Did you know some dogs get dry skin in the winter? The housewife illustrated by lifting the dog and exposing his pink, flaky belly. He seemed to know and he was embarrassed, I could tell.

I've received two acceptances in the past two days. Two wonderful publications want MY stories. Can you believe it? I still cannot. I keep expecting them to say, "Whoops, we meant the other guy." One of the publications is even going to interview me. It stretches credulity.

I'm reading Alissa Nutting's Unclean Jobs for Women and Girls. It's a golden egg in a novelty carton of decorative ceramic eggs. If you know what's good for you (and many of you have no idea), you will get this book. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll make fun of the cover because the font's not great. But the words, THE WORDS.

I'm going to celebrate my acceptances by watching a TV show I hate. I'm not going to tell you which show. Most of you like this show, I think. I hate it, but I will not miss an episode. The foundation of any good relationship is hate. This show hates me with its awful writing.


  1. Be sure to tell them in the interview that all your stories are inspired by my parents' farmhouse. Except, neither of the latest acceptances are, so never mind.

    I am jealous of your day. No, not true. I am jealous of your new friend, who got to eat quiche and mac & cheese and bitch with you.

  2. You should be jealous. She also provided me with cookies and Earl Grey tea.

  3. Acceptances are BO-RING, more tales of rejection please. C_O_N_G_R_A_T_S though.

    Oh, was it Intervention? No, it was probably Being Human. Wait, I got it, Skins. That's it.

    Or not. Doesn't matter. I don't care.

  4. I don't take requests from faceless entities.

    I WILL, however, take your c_o_n_g_r_a_t_u_l_a_t_i_o_n_s and place it in a baby food jar. On the odd occasion I feel like total shit, I'll take a tiny spoon and feast on your apparent lack of interest.

    Just kidding. Doesn't matter. I don't care.

    I'll call you.

  5. Ooopsies! I' m a buffoon and a bad one with words. No offense meant, I was really curious about he show and tried to use sarcasm. Badly, obviously. I enjoy your words and I will continue reading you but I will check myself before making comments.

  6. Sarcasm is the internet's worst employee. I myself have fallen victim. In fact, I was trying to be sarcastic too. I actually thought you were a very specific person, hence the somewhat aggressive and bizarre response. I figured that person would know what I meant. I do not think you are that person. You are still a valuable reader, especially since you used the word "buffoon". That earns points.

    Don't worry about checking yourself. I will check myself, in future. Comment away. It's always a surprise and a delight when someone takes the time.

    As for the show, it was GLEE. Being gay, and therefore attracted to all things shiny, I must watch GLEE out of some weird compulsion. As a writer, I'm offended by nearly every episode. But that's another, less interesting story.


From the mouths of beasts.